You have been weighed.
You have been measured.
And you have absolutely…
Been found wanting.
Picture this; you’re 10 years old and it’s the biggest day of your life. You took a shower, combed your hair, brushed your teeth, found the cleanest clothes you have, and for the first time all year, you might not have smelled. Guess what day it is?
Yes, career day. All that I am will be measured by this day. At least, that’s what I was told.
So, I remember dreaming - dreaming of all that I could be.
President of the United States of America? (naww)
Professional Baseball Player?
Especially if I could play for the New York Yankees! (the best)
I was on cloud nine!!
I’m waiting at my desk with my two number 2 pencils and I’m ready to go. This is it. The ultimate moment of my entire existence. This test has ultimate control of my life’s destiny. All in the form of A, B, C, D bubbles. What a thrill!
I remember Mrs. Hover saying, “Now be honest on this test.”
There was no way I was going to be honest. I had to win this thing. My life depended on it!
I filled those bubbles like it was the bottom of the 9th in Yankee stadium. I was killing it! I could see that Judd Morrow (ended up at Harvard) was done, and I remember filling in the last bubble with complete confidence that my life was in good hands. I aced this test! Smooth sailing from now on.
I walked up to Mrs. Hover desk with a skip in my step thinking, “I’m actually going to be somebody. I don’t have to stay at 408 W. Sophia.”
I grew up at 408 W. Sophia in Maumee, Ohio. And - just to paint you a quick picture - the homes had dirt floors. You didn’t know where your next meal would come from. If you had a mom or dad, they were not present due to drugs and alcohol.
Back to the story…
One of the greatest things about career day is that you get the results the same day. You didn’t have to wait. Which, in my 10 year old mind, I thought this couldn't be possible. So, one by one, each of my classmates turned in their test and, one by one, waited for the results.
Drum roll please…
do a drum roll.
I have the results.
Hot off the press. Like, still hot from the printer kinda thing.
I begin reading and blah blah blah…
WHAT ARE THE RESULTS?!!
Top 2 results are…
I took a shower for this?
Well at least I can work at a renaissance festival; they wear cool clothes and they don’t shower.
Can I be honest?
This really wrecked me as a 10 year old.
It’s a really funny story, I know. I actually read it, re-read it, and literally laughed out loud every time. But, it really happened. And I bet you have had these moments as well.
Moments in life that seem to define you;
a career test (blankety, blank!)
The list could really go on and on.
So the question is can your stars change?
I just want to encourage you right now and say you're beautiful.
Everything you are, and will become, is beautiful. It’s amazing to me that there will be only one Kevin Smigielski for the rest of eternity. Which means there will only be one of YOU; you as in who is reading this right now. You have a purpose which is so much greater than you could even imagine or hope for.
Unfortunately, life does its level best to try and steal that identity. You may be sitting here and you don’t feel beautiful, you don’t feel like you have a purpose.
You may also be saying;
You don’t know me.
You don't know what has happened to me.
You don’t know what I have done.
I deserve this.
You see, I get it.
I don’t get every situation, but I can honestly say that for most of my life I didn’t feel beautiful or worthy of anything. Not a purpose or really any reason to live at all.
Through a series of events, I found myself not just thinking or even talking about ending my life, but actually planning it out.
My life was defined by failure, abuse, depression, and worst of all I just felt so alone.
My life was measured and I felt most wanting.
This is the best part for me.
I just want to say that what happened to me, I have no real way to explain.
There aren’t the right words.
Science can’t explain it.
but Jesus changed my life.
I wasn’t looking for God. In fact, I was so anti-god because I couldn’t believe there could be one with how alone I felt.
It happened on November 15, 2000 - only two days before my plans to kill myself on the 17th.
I will never forget for the rest of my life the moment when Jesus changed me. The Pastor was preaching and all I was trying to do was not laugh because I thought it was such a joke; that God loved me and had a plan for me. If God only knew that I was going to stop existing in just two days. The pastor began to close out his message and he said these words: “If you want to experience real love, I want you to walk forward.” It was like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest. I didn’t understand it all, but I found myself walking forward. All of a sudden, it was as if Jesus himself was standing with me and just pouring massive buckets of liquid love all over me. Over and over. Like an ocean wave that touched every part of my soul.
It was as if all of me was exchanged for all of him.
That all the hate, hurt, and loneliness was now filled with love, joy, and purpose.
You see, this doesn’t make sense. I don’t expect you to understand and it’s okay. I do believe Jesus is real and can do this for you. If you want him too. Or just maybe he will just invade your life like he did mine.
The reality is that your stars can be changed. Don’t let another day go by believing the lies about yourself.
However you find your way.
Don’t do life alone.
I don’t like that word.
but it sucks.
About 9 months ago I found myself pulling off the road almost daily on the way to work screaming and crying.
Dramatic, I know.
But I found myself so alone. I was so hurt, and I don’t know about you but when I’m upset I do this thing called…
The amazing thing about humanity is people really do care. Especially our generation.
Community can change your stars. It’s amazing how when you're hurt and you don’t want to be around people, it’s actually the best thing for you. So, if you’re in that position right now call a friend, find a program, or find a faith organization. Bottom line is that you don’t have to be alone, unless you want to be.
It’s amazing to me that the community which came around me was the community I least
You know who you are! :)
You can change someones stars!
Be there for someone! That’s all you have to do.
Be inconvenienced; that’s love sometimes.
I am so thankful for you! Thank you for reading! Thank you for agreeing and disagreeing!
You matter so much!!
Let us fight against this monster of injustice and oppression together!